Demanding Stepdaughter Is Ruining Her Marriage

An ASAWA member, who wishes to remain anonymous, is experiencing serious marital problems and needs your help.

This is her situation. According to her she waited patiently for the man whom she can call husband, someone to be intimate with, play with, realize her dreams and fantasies with. Like many of you here she met her husband online. They got along great, fell in love almost instantly. The girl was very close to her family and friends back home, had a good job and never asked for support for her family even now.

The husband has a daughter who is now with him 100% of the time. Before they got married, when she was still in PI it was 50% of the time but the bio mom has no legal rights to her anymore. CPS found her to be an unfit mom.

Trouble began in the early parts of living together when the wife left the Philippines to be with husband and prepare getting married here. She found the stepdaughter too strong willed for her, talks back a lot, does not take her seriously in the beginning, mentions her father’s exes, this on top of adjustment issues and being pregnant too soon. During the wedding (civil wedding), she threw a tantrum and even wore a dress much prettier than the bride’s. She is not an evil child, but she just always wants to be the center of attention. She is emotionally demanding and at times would say something very inappropriate when she is alone with her.

To make it worse her mother in law doesn’t help alleviate the situation. She always asks about the stepdaughter, and seem to pointedly ignore the new baby. When the grandma gives presents she only gives to the stepdaughter and nothing for the baby. The mother in law, only wants to spend quality time with this stepdaughter and her cousins never with this ASAWA member's kid who is now a toddler. This pains her because her own daughter cannot even see her grandparents in PI. The family income is not enough for the husband and wife to have enough private time. When going out, its always time for stepdaughter and kids.

Years of resentment is finally taking its toll. Affection and love is waning for her husband and for all she knows he might feel the same way. The stepdaughter is just ruling the roost and there is nothing she can do about it because she and her husband feel guilty for this girl's situation (no access to real mother etc.) It is amazing for her that a good time with husband can be ruined by a dramatic moment from the stepchild. Not being raised in the American cultur she also finds it strange that the stepdaughter (now 10 and bigger for her age) always likes to kiss her father on the lips when she and husband very seldom do that. She still does the things that are responsibilities to her husband and her daughter but her heart is no longer happy.

According to her, she is very lonely and very hurt that the wedding and married life of her dreams did not come true. She really loves her husband but there are just so many things that has happened between them that is weighing their marriage down. Please share comments and insights (not necessarily advice) to help her cope a little bit.

Ger

p.s. majority of the words written here was from the ASAWA member who sent me this SOS PM.

Marriage counselling might help them if they can't find time for each other to talk since the step kid is hanging around all the time.

About the kssing on the lips thing. At first i thought it was weird, but my sister in law kisses her babies on the lips. but since i am seeing a lot of it here now i am not as freaked out as i first did.

Stepkids are usually a pain in the butt. My husband was, when he was little. But since the stepdad was willing to take the time to actually get to know the kids, things worked out fine for them. Even his step sisters get along well with his mom, even if the pre-teen and teen years were almost hell for everyone. THey just never gave up on each other.

If Mother in law is so endeared to this step-daughter, why cant she baby sit sometimes on the weekends and allow husband and wife to be alone and share intimate moments without fear of an attention getting drama event?

Its a tough spot she is in. I felt my frustration building just reading the story. I cant imagine what she feels in real life.]


John

I also feel bad for the stepdaughter, because this kid is going to end up in a lot of trouble later if everybody keeps right on indulging her now. Parents and grandparents can recognize that a child needs some special attention after the breakup of their parents, but they also need to reinforce boundaries and forms of acceptable behavior. Kids act out because they're testing the limits. If none are provided, they can get lost and never find out how to socialize properly.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for the woman caught in the middle of this scene, but I do have advice for the guy -- PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. If grandma only buys presents for one grandchild, then let her know she's not invited to family get together until she treats them both equally. How can the step-child learn to relate to the toddler as a true sibling if the supposed adults in the situation won't? The guy has to insist that the adults in the family act like just that -- adults and not spoiled little children. If they won't, he's got to cut them off. For the good of his new wife, toddler AND his older daughter!

Geri: I thought Tom had never been married?

Anyway my advice is for her to wave her bolo around and get a wild look in her eye.


I know. I sound like a broken record, but this **** works on me.

Words of wisdom from my Dad:

"An ill-mannered child is like an ill mannered stud horse. It's a reflection on it's handler."

The husband better, as Barney Fife sez, "nip this **** in the bud" with the 10 yo daughter, and also straighten his mother's ass out, or, he'll be headin' for divorce court.

Dad/Hubby better get the testicular fortitude to rectify the situation, pronto!

While I think the Dad's lack of basic male anatomy is definitely part of the problem, I dont think it is the path of least resistance.

If she gets pegged as the architect of some austarity plan for the step-daughter, she could cause secondary problems and resentment with other members of the family. Especially if Dad again lacks the anatomy to follow through. Then she will be left with the same or a worse problem AND the rest of the family resenting her.

I would consider tactical things to limp through the next 2-3 years when this step-daughter becomes a teenager and will be running around with friends instead of hanging around the house and competing for attention from anatomy-less Dad. Its easy for us males to say we would do this and do that, stop this and stop that. Introduce her to the other side of the woodshed and ect. That just doesnt apply here.

I also feel the step-daughter has problems and should be helped but I think this anonomous Pinay needs to help herself and her marriage first. Worry about someone else's mistakes later.

This Pinay isnt a clinical psychologist. Dont ask her to be. I am thinking we need to help her solve HER problem in a way that SHE can and not be idealistic.

I would start with using Mother-in-law's weakness against her. She loves this daughter so much? Fantastic. Grandma gets this little monster one night a week. This allows the marriage at least one night to be together and talk and be intimate.

The house gets rebuilt one brick at a time. This would be a great place to start.


John

Originally Posted by saxacd

I also feel bad for the stepdaughter, because this kid is going to end up in a lot of trouble later if everybody keeps right on indulging her now. Parents and grandparents can recognize that a child needs some special attention after the breakup of their parents, but they also need to reinforce boundaries and forms of acceptable behavior. Kids act out because they're testing the limits. If none are provided, they can get lost and never find out how to socialize properly.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for the woman caught in the middle of this scene, but I do have advice for the guy -- PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. If grandma only buys presents for one grandchild, then let her know she's not invited to family get together until she treats them both equally. How can the step-child learn to relate to the toddler as a true sibling if the supposed adults in the situation won't? The guy has to insist that the adults in the family act like just that -- adults and not spoiled little children. If they won't, he's got to cut them off. For the good of his new wife, toddler AND his older daughter!

Sorry I quoted the whole thing, I agree. and would like to add a few things.

The FAMILY needs couseling. I do not feel waiting a few years for the daughter to be running with friends is a viable option in any way. That will just shift the problem to the cops at the door, drugs, preggy, ect ect ect.

Going to stick my neck out here. She must be responcible for her actions. If she does what I am going to suggest, it is her decision alone.

First, I would talk to hubby, STRAIGHT UP. "HUBBY, I have these problems." Let him read the thread if that works.

Wait a bit, see what happens.

Now the hard part. If nothing changes. "Hubby, I want a divorce."

If hubby loves you, he WILL do whatever is needed to keep you.

I know many men would might be very happily married right now if they had been given a second chance, once she had their undivided attention. (I'm one)

I also strongly suggest professional counceling if there is anyway you can swing it ( perhaps the Church can help)

My advice is severe, but, so is your situation. I beleive you, as a pinay, who loves him and your child, would stay and take whatever came.

If you do that, the daughter will destroy you ( your family ) once she is a teen.

Best of Luck

Rick

PS. Had to come back in and add this. I have seen first hand what an out of control, spoiled child, with a chip on their shoulder can do. The limit of their stupidity, crimes and visousness has no bounds. This child is actually getting "support" for her actions. If it is not stopped I see nothing good..

I am not a child psychology but i just want to share my experience with stepdaughters.

I think this 10-y.o. girl is very much jealous and she wants attention and the easiest way for her is to make them (her dad, her grandmum and her stepmum) guilty for what had happened to her. At 10, i reckon she is matured enough to understand what is happening around her. She plays the game, the adults give in and she is winning most of the time. The dad should have a serious talk with his daughter before situation becomes more complicated. He is the only person in charge of his daughter and he should show his authority of disciplining her.

With regards to the grandmum, this old lady should know that it is not okay to spoil the 10-y.o. girl as much as she wants just because she don't have her mum with her. She should also think about the other grandchild. Or you could swap babysitting...she could babysit her not so love grandchild and the couple will have more time of the spoiled brat. Maybe that will change the situation.

To the wife...i know it's hard but don't get too much affected with your stepdaughter and your mum-in-law. What is important is the love that you and your husband have together for each other.

i was gonna post, but sterling silver posted all i wanted to say, but i posted anyway. Whatever i was gonna say wasnt as tactful, so you guys didnt miss anything.